What I Wish I’d Known
“So, this is what it feels like to be a screw-up…”
If I’m honest, this pretty much sums up my internal monologue throughout the summer of 2019.
After 24 years of believing I was doing an OK job, I’d just blundered through two significant personal failures in as-many months.
My mistakes were obvious to those who knew me. My mistakes (regrettably) had a negative impact on those around me. For the first time in my life, I really felt like a complete failure.
REWIND…
I’ve been committed to following Jesus since the age of 14. I consider myself fortunate to have grown up knowing that Jesus loves me, and that He died on the cross to deal with the times I don’t follow him as I should in my thoughts, actions, words, and motives. But here’s the catch, there’s a difference between “knowing” and “KNOWING.” For example, a basic understanding of physics can help a school child to know that the surface of the moon is virtually silent. However, only twelve people have ever KNOWN from experience the eerie silence of the lunar surface. In the same way, it is possible to believe something in our heads, without applying it in a way that transforms our lived experience. To some extent, this is what living as a Christian is all about, KNOWING in our hearts (not just our heads).
Thing I wish I’d KNOWN Number 1: You will fail.
No matter how hard you try, or how well your life is going, there will be times when you don’t live up to your own moral standards. There will be times in life when you are genuinely ashamed of your thoughts, actions, words, motives. And, if I think about it hard enough, I do enough damage to the world in order that I should probably feel a level of shame every day:
- I’ve never murdered someone, but I’ve often been angry or impatient.
- I’ve never racially abused someone, but I often show prejudice and make snap-judgements.
- I’ve never schemed to exploit others, but I’ve often been selfish.
Through these attitudes, I turn away from living as God intended, and I hurt others and the world. My failures, life-changing or every-day, damage my relationship with God. The Bible calls this problem “sin,” we push God away through our behaviour. And that’s how relationships come to an end right?...someone pushes the other person away…
One day, Jesus is talking to some religious-type people. He tells them a story about two sons, and their relationship with their Dad. You can read the story for yourself in Luke 15:11-32.
The youngest son gives us a textbook picture of how “sin” can damage a relationship. He tells his Dad that he is running away from home, demands half of his Father’s money, and basically wishes the Father dead. Amazingly, and despite his overwhelming pain, the Father agrees to the son’s selfish demands. Within a short space of time, the youngest son has drunk, gambled, and slept his way through the entirety of the money. He ends up homeless, hungry, and ashamed. Eventually he makes the embarrassing walk back to his Dad’s house, fully expecting to be punished, or worse. But much to the son’s surprise, the Father has been eagerly waiting for his return the whole time. Running to meet him, the Father embraces and kisses his stinking, shameful child. He won’t even hear of the son’s apology; he’s just relieved to be reunited. Though the younger son has pushed the Father away in every way imaginable, the Father’s affection and desire for relationship is completely unchanged.
As you might expect, the older son is rather annoyed that his brother isn’t punished, but has a party thrown in honour of his return. The older son initially refuses to celebrate, and the story ends with the Father pleading with him to come and join the party. Jesus leaves it to the religious types to work out the principle behind the story.
It’s a principle I wish I’d applied to myself a couple of years ago.
Thing I wish I’d KNOWN Number 2: Our greatest mistake isn’t when we are too bad, or broken, or boring for God. It’s when we are too proud to receive His love.
What I eventually realised, was that somewhere on the journey through a challenging University course, one of the country’s top Grad-Schemes, and trying to maintain my status as an “example figure” within my church, I had slowly forgotten what following Jesus is all about. Unlike the other 99.9% of things in my life, my relationship with God can never be worked for or based on merit.
It’s this truth that I wish I had KNOWN deeply at those times when my sense of failure was overwhelming, rather than believing the misconception that to fail is to “fall from grace.” What the Father in Jesus’s story shows us, is that grace was never meant to be a position of performance you can fall from. Grace is a pair of open arms, you are always welcome to fall into.
But the Gospel message goes further than that…
…it tells us that Grace is not a mere idea…
…it tells us that Grace is a person.
He walks with us through our mess and our screw ups.
He pursued us, even though it cost him everything.
His love is stronger than death itself
He offers us unshakeable hope.
He promises to never, ever push us away.
His name is Jesus.
And, with Him, it’s never too late to come home.
Matt Brydon
Matt is an Aerospace Engineer based in Bristol. He's passionate about building a church which is authentic and seeker friendly. He's also a fan of distance running and hiking.